Communicating with Finesse - MAC059

The other day, I saw a post on LinkedIn by Wes Kao the co-Founder of the Maven learning platform.  Her post was a synopsis of an issue of her newsletter that really resonated with me (Link https://newsletter.weskao.com/p/the-unspoken-skill-of-finesse).  It was on the topic of Finesse in Communications.  You could also think of it as communicating like a leader.

In Wes' article, there was a situation where a customer had asked about the limits of a software system.  Several people were in a chat thread formulating a response.  The first person offered a factual number based on the highest limit observed in the system.  The second person clarified the limit with a lower number that had shown acceptable performance plus a plan to increase the performance for a higher limit.  The third person took the response from the second person and reframed it to have less of a negative connotation but still convey the same results.

Finesse is the ability to refine your message based on understanding the situation and the desired outcomes it is the ability to use good judgement in delicate situations.  None of the responses were wrong per se, but the first answer could have led to disappointment by the customer if they approached the technical limit and experienced the performance degradations.  The second answer provided additional context around the limits but may have caused the customer to look elsewhere for a solution that didn't have those limits.  The final answer with a more positive message invited the customer to be optimistic about the solution being able to scale to meet their needs.

For some, the ability to have finesse in their communications may come naturally.  But for others, like any skill, you can improve your abilities with focus and practice.  The more you practice, the easier it will be to know when to apply finesse and the more likely it will come to you without consciously thinking about it.

First, you need to recognize when situations require finesse to handle.  As you start practicing, look for situations where the outcome is not well defined or where there are people involved that you don't regularly interact with.  That isn't to say that other situations would not benefit from nuance and finesse, but when you are learning the skill, the situations with the most uncertainty will be the ones most obvious to you that using finesse will be appropriate to lead to a positive result.

Once you have identified a situation to practice your skills, think about your desired outcome and what aspects have the least clarity.  When you discuss them with others, pay attention to how the other people react to what you say and how you say it.  You aren't just looking for surface level reactions such as responding verbally -- whether in agreement or to counter your points.  Look at those micro-reactions such as that fleeting expression when your point hits home before they recompose and make their point.  These types of responses can give you clues as to how your approach has been received such as whether it is too direct or needs more context or whether it's too aggressive or too passive.  As the interaction proceeds, make adjustments and pay attention to how that changes how your arguments are received.

Finesse is not just about what you say and how you say it, but it's also about what you DON'T say.  In Episode 56 - Presenting to Leaders, I talked about how my background in an analytical field lends itself to providing every detail because they all matter when solving technical problems, but when presenting to an executive, I had to focus on stripping my message down to only the most relevant bits.  This is another part of exhibiting finesse in your communications.  Understanding when to include and when to exclude information to direct the situation towards the outcome you are pushing for.  This doesn't mean to lie through omission -- that leads to losing trust.  But understanding which details are important to your audience and which details are noise is part of framing your message clarity.

Because finesse is in large part driven by the PEOPLE, there are no hard and fast rules about how to handle each situation.  But what you CAN do is bring in someone who has a better handle on how to apply finesse such as Person Three from the example story.  Have them observe your approach and provide feedback on how you can do better.  You can also watch them when they are interacting with others and then have a review session afterwards where you can ask them about the different decisions they made about how to approach the conversation.

Go read Wes' full article on finesse which you can find linked in the show notes (https://newsletter.weskao.com/p/the-unspoken-skill-of-finesse).  There are additional insights and strategies that can help you perfect your finesse skills.  Improving your communication skills will help you advance your career no matter what level you are at and finesse is an important aspect of that.

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